Feels like my brain is about to overheat, the wheels are spinning so swiftly, the balls bouncing quite loudly and fiercely, as my sweet neurodiverse processors attempt to …. Work this crap out. Process, understand it – sort it – on my own.
I’m still working through what I relate to being phase 2 autistic burnout, as explained in this article from the Autistic Advocate here. I could justifiably put that definition over more than the past 39 months, but we’ll just stay focused on one state at a time as that’s the limit I can handle.
As I was saying, it feels like my brain is about to overheat…..
We’re on day 42 of separation as the wheels of justice turn and the system is actually finding it needs a new carburetor as application to our little family has revealed a lot of rusty parts. Day 42… headed to see the judge on Monday. Day in the life here, I have been pushing myself to regroup, regain some physical strength and mental focus, so I can produce viable and billable work for the company I work for – It’s been a tedious process facilitating any sort of return from this level of burnout – which I do not feel anyone around me other than D. gets or truly believes is happening. Besides the point, I push myself each day.
Today, started out fairly okay and I had our weekly visit with my children to look forward to this afternoon. D and I had our morning chat, I got organized to pick up where I needed to with the task I started yesterday – and then the phone rang.
With the children in state care, I rather have to answer the phone as I am never sure when someone needs to ask a question or direct me somehow. Today, it was an interview phone assessment, took about 40 minutes. No sooner had that finished, the phone rang again – my attorney going over things for Monday. There’s some bits of this which I cannot fully disclose or discuss at the moment, but to say that ghosts from Christmas past are afoot – ghosts that harbor resentments large and wield a hefty vengeance. I have moved and relocated us – several times – with very good reason. It’s another ring added, a ring of terror not describable. And there is very little to be done to throw a Harry Potter cloak of invisibility over things while they are – allegedly – being sorted out for the best to help everyone here…. Ehem.
42 days. I am complying with the requests on me. Jumping through the hoops. I am taking the classes, and glad to have them. I have filled out and filed all paperwork needed for their base evaluations. There problem lies in finding a provider to oversee/perform the ASD evaluation for me, an adult. Huh? Yes, I already had done the homework and I sent that 411 along – I call bullshit on that, it really is a matter almost of ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’. Too many parts and they are not all working together. I think this is where the director throws the script in the air and shouts ‘REWRITE!’.
Have a laugh, please… but in all seriousness, the lives and futures of three humans are in the hot seat at the moment over ‘who is going to pay for this’ and we are talking about a couple conversations and a 70 question assessment, basically. There are others, face recognition for ‘theory of mind’ testing and a lot of tests, it can be 500 to 5k.
It’s just so freaking sad, to me. I read the daily struggles and testimonies of fellow Aspiens, and some are in relationships and some are in jobs, some have the lot of family, spouse, job. We all struggle with sensory overload and sensory processing, differently and at different levels. Some that are fully equipped with what life has to offer, struggle nearly as bad as I do. Some that are set up in life as I am, with next to no humans or NO humans at all and disenfranchised from core family, are happy as larks. If you have met one person with Asperger’s Syndrome, you have met one person with Asperger’s Syndrome as the saying is in the autistic community. This is in part why I disagree with Asperger’s Syndrome being removed from our books. High Functioning does not have anything to do with the level/severity of traits for the individual. We still have our vocabulary, but day to day functioning in the real world, socializing, managing obstacles and upheavals, coping and regrouping our processes, that all varies. Apologies, I digressed.. but the empath in me does feel deep pain on behalf of these folks, I just so much understand it all.
When you add in the layers of domestic abuse, starting with my core family, and the lot of it with my ex in prison… even a neurotypical would be lost in these same circumstances I would think. But neurotypical or neurodiverse, the question remains the same at the end of the (my) day – How- after decades of instability, misunderstanding of self and being overwhelmed/afraid by and of the world, and then threats to one’s life, is one to to be stable of mind, if they never feel safe?
How is a single mother, afraid for her own safety, insecure in the world as it stands for whatever reasons, alone on her own with only herself to process and do it all, supposed to be a strong cornerstone for her family if she herself cannot feel safe?
Please, someone answer that question!
Please, someone tell me viably, with practical application, how this is supposed to work. No one can, no one I am ‘working with’ can actually relate fully to these circumstances. No one wants to relate to these circumstances! How can the world… how can the system… how can any human….. Ask of another human to do what they themselves cannot imagine doing, enduring, living through themselves?
I get it now and again, a message from a NT friend saying, “I just do not know how you are coping with all that is happening”. Guess what I say… ‘I’M NOT’. And they fall silent.
The normal world expects….demands being accommodated. But in reality, could they do it? Not this.
So my day today, a day in the life: I got up with the intent of working a good 5 hours before the scheduled visit with my children. I had my talk with D and we planned things out, I got in that mindset, I sat down and was working and then the phone rang. First was the unexpected phone interview, then the attorney, then the visit with my children, then the notification that there was no way to throw a blanket over or seal the records of these case proceedings, so I then found myself sitting in the parking lot from leaving the visit and my thought – “Oh yea gotta go home and jump back on the work wagon after this!”. And yep… most neurotypical people can easily compartmentalize and do that, switch gears on command – and that is what the world expects – but not us Aspies. We do NOT and I say this clearly now – have strong central cognitive coherence. We do not go from one thing to another and transition back to number one smoothly. Some struggle more than others…. I would fall in the ‘more’ category, I also have a closed head injury going on 42 years now that exacerbates the issue no doubt.
It’s after 9 pm. I have fought the idea of eating something, finally ordered a pizza. I have fought the idea of going out for margaritas, because I am here that lost trying to process on my own and it is that quiet. I settled for some pint size IPA … IDK, I don’t normally drink. I should be sitting here doing my billable work, it has to be done. NT folks would be burning the midnight oil no real issues other than maybe hunger and physical exhaustion… that is what is expected. Get. It. Done. I have done that – did that night after night with this work back in Alabama.
Been on this train with the ex that wants me dead for 18 years… so idk what else to tell ya. Who wants to come settle the cartwheeling overheating processors in my brain? Not settle for just anyone – has to be someone I feel safe around, calm with – someone who understand me enough to make the world less terrifying, make it more understandable to me.
Being a single mother is hard. Being a single mother unaware she herself is autistic and she herself trying for decades to push herself a trapezoid into a square hole… to do right by her kids, to meet expectations, to live…. And to fail day in and day out, day in and day out, no matter what, day in and day out… day in and day out…. To be ignored when seeking help, to be labelled time and again as crazy and outcast, discarded, ignored… abandoned…only trying to do right by the kids, only trying to fix things for them and hopefully others and then….. To be here.
I do not know. What would you do? Please do tell… please do explain.
Double edged, double standard world.. Fit in, or fail. Do as expected, or lose. Meet standards, or be alone.
Angel love and peace, I gotta jet. Cold beverage and cooled pizza await. And further processing insanity… really, is this supposed to produce sunshine and rainbows?