Yes, I said that. Yep. Sure as fuck did, at the end of an IEP meeting. I do not remember saying it exactly, but I am told that I did, and I know that I have thought it many times. I was so rattled by the conversation and the many others in the room, coming at me with questions and comments faster than I could process or respond (I lack what I refer to as REAL TIME RESPONSIVENESS) and being totally misunderstood the entire time, worried also about my son who was not feeling well and home sleeping during the meeting, that – YES, I said that. But what was my neurodiverse brain trying to convey in that totally inappropriate comment? More than anyone in that room realized, and more than you are thinking at this moment as you read these ramblings.
On the offset, it does mean that I have gone every conventional route possible for year after year now and gotten no where, and I am both out of options and exhausted as only an Aspie could be – having put forth a seemingly bottomless amount of effort and energies into trying to get the right help so one little family can turn the corner and start doing life on solid ground again.
It is also a statement on my own self esteem (seriously lack of it!) and self perception. With nearly every person that I have cared for deeply, in any regard, I have found myself betrayed – found that I was used for their end, or in some capacity to meet their needs, or to get something they needed. As I am now learning, the depth of bonds that I form with these individuals, whether it is mutual is not a point, the level of commitent and care and concern, the depth of love – cannot be put to words exactly, is an aspie trait (particularly for women). This bond is forged on a myriad of planes, and the loss always brings me to the depths of darkness. The ‘why’s’ begin to bounce in my head, while there’s a fiery hot, searing pain taking over my heart and consuming my spirit. I have to make sense of, understand the betrayal… understand what did I do wrong, try to fix things sometimes.. I beat myself up for being dumb, too trusting… incapable of communicating effectively, that my very genuine desire for that person … isn’t enough, the rest matters. The communication, the ability to understand things, that I do not.
There does not exist any bond or connection, or sense of safety or peace, or comfort from, any of those that are my biological ‘family’. Never has been, with the exception of one, and she has long passed. I feel I have been the greatest disappointment ever to my parental units, and my brother hasn’t talked to me since my son was 7 months old. Some that I have had connection to for years, I have reached out to over the course of these current circumstances unfolding, to get what was no more than lip service. Now those folks just don’t bother – I am not one that people want to be around, I never have been. I am not one people want to include, I am the one that is just here until someone needs something and I can do it. That is honestly how I see myself, how I feel – and that I am here totally fucking alone – always – is evidence enough for me that I am here as a servant to this screwy planet, and at the end of the day get to face the darkness alone. I do not have real life, in person friends any more. I cannot seem to make them either, and that I can say goes to the long term, endlessly devastating, betrayals over the course of this life. It’s been a series of bullying, being taken advantage of, beaten upon, wanted only for what I can do for someone with my mind or my body, betrayals of the mind and heart too many times…from being too trusting, too willing to want to help and the reason for that – because at the core I am still looking for some acceptance. To be included. To be worthy of love. But my Aspie gets in the way…. So I am perpetually alone. LONELY. Depressed beyond words.
I do realize, the more I read, that I have traits to the extreme. I do. I can’t lie, so I may as well just come out with it, right? Given the total lack of community, support, family, lack of a partner, not having a trusted circle of friends, and the level of traits that I acknowledge in myself – I do not see the end of this with my children being some great success story. I just don’t. Now, the negative, doomsday thinking – that is an aspie trait – but even in my logical mind, I don’t see this ‘working’ as so many think that it should. Single parents at this level of traits only succeed with a trusted circle of people around that love accept and help them. That’s the consensus.
So many think that I should just simply accept, or rise above, this deep grief stricken loneliness that pervades my soul and has for most of my adult life. I guess that is easy for neurotypical people? Just rise up, greet the day, get ‘er done…. It’s no big deal. This gets lost in translation and is unrelatable so much that I have given up trying to convey what it has done to my soul and still… fail. So I say this: Loneliness is the number one silent killer. Humans are not meant to be islands all to themselves. My level of communication and social fallacies…. And actual near fear of people in general now from being misunderstood and then ignored for so long, has me not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to even go to the mailbox until after dark…. Add in my true inability to conquer normal daily tasks like a normal adult without a tremendous amount of effort and followed by an exhaustion not explainable to the normal world at large (please do not ask me to go to the grocery store), that brings on massive anxiety…. How am I ever going to be able to be ‘good’ for my children in the day to day? The odds, with my level of traits, are not good from what I read.
There was a time, for a while, that I had that ‘someone’. First he was just a friend, that always seemed to understand me, or worked hard to understand me – and would hang, let me vent – help me to PROCESS and see things more clearly… calm the ping pong balls! He was my translator – he translated the world to me and me to the world. It was great, at the end of the day, to have someone to go over things with – helped to let them go, helped to be able to sleep at night and not have the balls bouncing off the walls of the internal racket ball court. So fucking loud! Turns out Aspie women attract cluster B personality types. We are too trusting, we are easy targets, and that person turned out to be sick on his own, a predator, a pedophile.
The more I sit with things now, the more I remember my 20’s. When I had only my cats. I had to have them with me at college to cope, they went with me to California, to Birmingham, and all over. No friends. No partner. I don’t recall a lot of my 20’s, because the heaviness of being misunderstood, lost and alone then nearly crushed me, and I spent too much time drinking. Too much time trying to numb myself. Too much time acting wildly, doing things under the influence of alcohol that I could never conceive of sober, let alone have the courage to act upon – just trying to be accepted, to fit in, to matter to someone, to be loved. I can’t do that now, the drinking – kidney damage from the incident in October, and I am not the robust, young, unbeaten up person I was in my 20’s. But in the overall scheme of things – it is the same. I sit, with the cats. And myself. Feeling more than a little lost.